Thoreau’s Walden in Four Stanzas
of Beautiful Poetry
After two years of secluded life in the woods
I would like to tell you about this time.
I figure you will want to know my every expense
And every thought that crossed my mind.
I would also like to offer loads of profound advice
And explain why I did conclude
That the world would be a better place
If everyone just ran around nude.
I shall dedicate whole chapters
To such fascinating topics as
Sounds, the bean-field, the pond,
Winter animals, and all that jazz.
While I intended this book, originally,
As a substitute for sleeping pills,
I hope you will find some kind of use
From these humble writings of my quill.
Homer’s Iliad in One Extra-Large
Stanza of Beautiful Poetry
Aid me O Muse and I shall sing
Of an ancient warrior’s bath—
Of great Achilles, mighty man,
To whom his mother, when his life began,
Gave a special kind of bath.
’Twas this unlucky legendary man
Of whom the prophet said
Was doomed to die in battle’s heat,
But absence his would bring defeat.
Thus the mother heard and fled,
Trying to find a place discreet
To hide the retched infant boy
From his own destiny.
But knowing none from fate are free
She bathed the helpless baby boy
In a potion of invincibility.
She dipped him in, held by his heel
And was stupid enough to leave the place
Where her fingers had held him, while dipping his face,
Wholly unprotected—but that’s no big deal!
Everywhere on his body was safe but that place,
Surely he would be fine in a fight.
When Achilles was called to war, he did manage,
Despite his overwhelming advantage,
To get himself hit by an arrow right
On his heel where he had no advantage.
And this not even poisoned dart his life then took.
What kind of idiot gets killed when he’s basically invincible?
How on earth is that even possible?
Sorry Homer, I think you should try revising your book.
Kafka’s Metamorphosis in One Short but
Complete Stanza of Beautiful Poetry
Gregor awoke to find he was now a roach, unlike the night before.
For whatever reason his family did not seem to enjoy his company any more.
In grief he resolved to shrivel up and die
And that is the story of this poor little guy.
Shakespearian Victim Survival Guide
A piece of advice if you ever should find
You are in a Shakespearian Tragedy:
Never, ever fall in love…it will most likely
End in suicide or some kind of agony.
Another thing I wouldn’t advise
Is fighting a duel or accepting a challenge;
Just look at Tybalt, and Hamlet too,
How violence their lives did pillage.
And don’t listen to old hags in the woods
Unless you want to end up killing your lord,
Murdering your friend, suffering your wife’s suicide,
And getting beheaded by your enemy’s sword.
My greatest advice is do not get caught
In the terrible realm of the tragedy.
Perhaps try the comedy where things turn out well
And everyone seems to be happy.
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