Friday, May 31, 2013

Poetic Reviews, Parodies, and Plot Summaries

       Thoreau’s Walden in Four Stanzas
                    of Beautiful Poetry

After two years of secluded life in the woods
I would like to tell you about this time.
I figure you will want to know my every expense
And every thought that crossed my mind.

I would also like to offer loads of profound advice
And explain why I did conclude
That the world would be a better place
If everyone just ran around nude.

I shall dedicate whole chapters
To such fascinating topics as
Sounds, the bean-field, the pond,
Winter animals, and all that jazz.

While I intended this book, originally,
As a substitute for sleeping pills,
I hope you will find some kind of use
From these humble writings of my quill.




       Homer’s Iliad in One Extra-Large
             Stanza of Beautiful Poetry

Aid me O Muse and I shall sing
Of an ancient warrior’s bath—
Of great Achilles, mighty man,
To whom his mother, when his life began,
Gave a special kind of bath.
’Twas this unlucky legendary man
Of whom the prophet said
Was doomed to die in battle’s heat,
But absence his would bring defeat.
Thus the mother heard and fled,
Trying to find a place discreet
To hide the retched infant boy
From his own destiny.
But knowing none from fate are free
She bathed the helpless baby boy
In a potion of invincibility.
She dipped him in, held by his heel
And was stupid enough to leave the place
Where her fingers had held him, while dipping his face,
Wholly unprotected—but that’s no big deal!
Everywhere on his body was safe but that place,
Surely he would be fine in a fight.
When Achilles was called to war, he did manage,
Despite his overwhelming advantage,
To get himself hit by an arrow right
On his heel where he had no advantage.
And this not even poisoned dart his life then took.
What kind of idiot gets killed when he’s basically invincible?
How on earth is that even possible?
Sorry Homer, I think you should try revising your book.




       Kafka’s Metamorphosis in One Short but 
            Complete Stanza of Beautiful Poetry

Gregor awoke to find he was now a roach, unlike the night before.
For whatever reason his family did not seem to enjoy his company any more.
In grief he resolved to shrivel up and die
And that is the story of this poor little guy.




       Shakespearian Victim Survival Guide

A piece of advice if you ever should find
You are in a Shakespearian Tragedy:
Never, ever fall in love…it will most likely
End in suicide or some kind of agony.

Another thing I wouldn’t advise
Is fighting a duel or accepting a challenge;
Just look at Tybalt, and Hamlet too,
How violence their lives did pillage.

And don’t listen to old hags in the woods
Unless you want to end up killing your lord,
Murdering your friend, suffering your wife’s suicide,
And getting beheaded by your enemy’s sword.

My greatest advice is do not get caught
In the terrible realm of the tragedy.
Perhaps try the comedy where things turn out well
And everyone seems to be happy.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

A Stylistic Excuse for My Lack of Talent

Poetry is a brilliant concept.
The idea that words can be beautifully effective
And remarkably efficient is magnificent.
The only trouble is in the application.
And so I find that I have bent
The purpose of poetry just a bit:
Instead of saying a lot with few words,
I turn a minute idea into some absurd
Painfully long poem with very little to it.
But hey, I guess that’s just my style.
Maybe I’ll change after a while,
But for now I might just continue without
A topic of interest to write about.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Song of My Stomach

Feed me. Feed me. I’m starving.
What part of growl, rumble, roar don’t you understand?
I don’t care what you eat; just give me some food!
I need something now, like, seriously dude.

Beach Trip Bucket List

On my next beach trip, I have a list
Of things I wish to do;
So here’s the stuff I’ll try to get done
Before the trip is through:

Well, first things first, I’ll get a tan
Or at least work with what I’ve got.
Chances are I’ll just burn up
And desperately need aloe—a lot.

Next I want to play in the sand:
I’ll build a castle and dig a hole,
Then I’ll fight in them with plastic army men—
In such play I’ll pour out my soul.

When this is done, I’ll play airsoft:
Shooting my bros. and dodging their shots—
Hiding behind civilians (yeah, shooting them too)
Ah, that’s the life, I’ve always thought.

This last one is a little strange, but still true:
I want to fight off a shark and save a person or two;
I’m not exactly sure why I want to do this…
It just seems like a sexy thing to do.

Well, I guess that’s it…yep that’s all.
Will I get it all done—who knows?
At least I’ll try and if I fail,
It’s been fun writing this before I go.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Let's Try This Again


This is a follow up to a post entitled "Haiku Attempt"


            A New Haiku

You can’t write a thing
When you just have seventeen
Syllables to use.


     The Haiku Strikes Back

You can too! You just
Have to be skillfully terse.
Here, just watch me…shoot!


Stay tuned for the eventual “Return of the Haiku.”

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Enigma

If someone can be considered legally blind,
Is it possible to be illegally blind?
I know—nobody cares…and that’s fine…
But these are the questions that haunt my mind.


Not very good poetry…but it’s a good question!

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Comments!

Thanks everyone for reading my blog!
I love to hear what you think.
Just leave a note or maybe a smiley face;
And if you love it, add a wink! ;)

It doesn't matter what you say
'Cause I will read it anyway,
So don't be shy to just say hi
And leave a comment here today!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Lacking a Topic in Study Hall

                        Study Hall

I’m sitting in study hall with nothing to do
But study the lost art of poetry.
Well what should I write about? Any ideas?
Or should I just study good old chemistry.

No. I’ll keep writing—I might as well try.
Even lacking a topic, I’ll manage alright.
Is that how you spell manage? My spell check is off.
Oh well, it’s good enough even if it’s not right.

Well I still lack a subject; this has happened before—
I’ve written a poem without any point.
But then I was in a car on a long, long road trip.
Ow! What was that awful pain in my joint?!

Just kidding! I’m not hurting; I just needed to rhyme.
Hey look at the time! Study hall’s just about done.
Well I guess I should end, see you later my friend.
Thank you for reading—I hope it’s been fun.

Monday, May 13, 2013

To Catch a Kiss


In the lustrous land of Katchekiss,
A festival was held.
Great tents stretched far as one could see
Where men their wares would sell.

This was the famous Blowkiss Fair,
Held by the king himself.
Outside the palace it took place,
Supported by his wealth.

One purpose did the festival have:
To find a noble man
To wed the princess beautiful,
From any in the land.

The way in which they chose the groom
Was odd and quite unique:
The men would gather in a group.
If marriage did they seek;

The princess then would blow a kiss
Into the crowd of men
Who then would strive to catch the kiss—
The one who did would win.

Now two men wished to catch that kiss
More than any other:
Sir Mize was one, just wanting power;
Gen Uin truly loved her.

The princess loved the gentle Gen
But hated mean Sir Mize.
So Gen and she soon hatched a plan
So Gen would win the prize.

He’d force his way up to the front
When the crowd formed round the girl.
Then she had only aim for him
And straight her kisses hurl.

The day soon came when test they must
Her aim, and too, his catch.
But there were a thousand other men
Who could their victory snatch.

A fog had settled on the field
Where the game was to take place
The men were packed and anxious stood
As one could read on every face.

By chance (or some mean cunning perhaps)
Sir Mize stood next to Gen.
Both stared intently at the girl
Determined soon to win.

She breathed a sigh and looked at Gen,
Then blew with all her might;
But lo! Sir Mize pushed Gen aside,
Much to the princess’ fright.

Mize caught the kiss with just his mouth
(though hands are often used)
But oh! such force she’d given it,
As she was so enthused,

It lodged inside Sir Mize's throat!
He gasped in search of breath.
But someone near came to his aid
And saved him from sure death.

With arms beneath Sir Mize’s ribs,
He freed that kiss so stuck;
And as Gen stood from being pushed
He had a stroke of luck:

The kiss dislodged from Mize’s throat
Came flying straight at him!
His hand was swift to catch that thing
So craved by all the men.

He raised it then with gentle care
And placed it on his lips.
He thought he must be dreaming to
Have chanced to catch that kiss.

As was the custom in that land
The two were married fast.
They lived quite long, and just as long
Their love and joy did last.

The moral of this story, then,
Is chew up every bite—
You never know what you might miss
When things don’t go down right.

A Little Bit About Me

            Story of My Life
                                               
I just had the most brilliant thought!
Oh, shoot! Not again…I forgot.
But it was quite ingenious—I’m not joking at all.
You’d see if I could only recall.




Shower of Consciousness
                                               
If someone asked me why I’m so long
In getting out of the shower and into my bed,
I’d have to say, it’s simply because
Of the thoughts traversing my head.

Seldom is peace found that can match
That of warm water over the skin
For then is one’s mind made free of distraction
And the thoughts form clearly within.

Many a verse (yes, even these) were conceived
In the soothing shower;
The majority, I’d say, of my works in this way
Were created—so great water’s power.

I wonder what writings we owe to the shower
And what we would have were it sooner invented;
But grateful I am for this time before bed
When my thoughts, young and new, are fermented.




It’s True

I really am a brilliant man.
Yep, brilliant as can be.
There’re other smart men—yes of course—
But none so smart as me!

When I first thought of this poem,
I thought I might try to prove
Or at least support this claim, you see.
(Hmm…few words rhyme with prove.)

The fact is, my brilliance
Is usually just accepted….
So maybe I’ll finish this poem later
As my argument’s not yet perfected.



            My Worst Nightmare


I enter the tailor’s on my way home from work,
Looking sharp as Sir Lancelot’s lance.
I greet the lady behind the desk
And ask her to dry clean my pants.

“Of course,” she says. “Just bring them in.”
“Oh, I have them here,” I say and freeze…
There on me now, I realize,
As I glance at the fabric upon my knees.

This could be awkward, I say to myself;
But I really need these pants for tonight.
To wear dirty pants to a formal dinner
With the CEO just wouldn’t be right!

My boxers are modest—oh! why’d I wear pink?!
Oh well, things are as they are…
I could take off my pants and walk straight to the car—
It’s a good thing it’s not very far.

Perhaps there’s another pair somewhere at home.
There is…but I can’t seem to find them.
Well, I guess I could look, but who knows where they are?!
And besides they need a much shorter hem.

I don’t think I have time to go home and come back.
I could try, but it’s such a long ways.
Alright, you can do this…just take off your pants.
Let’s face it—you’ve done worse in your day.

“Um sir,” says the lady, “I nearly forgot.
Your wife stopped by just yesterday,
And she gave me some pants to be hemmed. If you’d like
I can get them. You don’t have to pay.”

“Saved!” I exclaim with a sigh of relief;
She looks at me queerly, then hands me the pair.
I heartily thank her, rejoicing inside
That I won’t have to leave in just underwear.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Fantasy (Nightmare and Other Fantastic Works)


Here are some fantasy poems from various worlds of my imagination:


This is the story of Aronad, a Burzhan knight of the Kerub tribe, who sought and killed the Eregad, a desert dragon that preyed on merchant caravans in the Torren Desert. It is here accounted as an excerpt from the popular book, Tales of Burzha, by Astren, the famed elf explorer. This is but one among many of the stories and folk tales that he learned from the natives of Burzha. Although the story was first written in Astren’s native elvish language, it is here translated to the common tongue.

            Aronad and Eregad


There was a knight named Aronad
From Burzha, the southern land,
He sought a monster, Eregad,
A dragon of the sand.

Through desert rode the daring knight
In search of this foul beast;
But, food and water out of sight,
A loaf was like a feast.

So he sought in this sea of sand,
Hoping to find his foe.
At last he came to a cave unmanned;
Inside it he did go.

He left his horse tied to a rock
And took from it his bow
And too his mighty sword to knock
The head off any foe.

He found in it a chasm damp;
No bottom was in sight.
Around its edge there was a ramp
That spiraled down beneath all light.

Sir Aronad hated the heavy air,
The darkness most of all.
And so he turned to leave the lair,
Escape the cave with ceiling tall.

Then there he heard a hopeful sound
Away in the depths below:
The drip of water on the ground –
A sound he’d come to know.

And so the man in desert cave
Went down the rocky way.
He traveled fast, his life to save:
He’d not had water many a day.

The circular slope he stepped along
Was treacherously steep.
He stumbled on that trail so long
That wound into the deep.

Large rocks stuck out like teeth to bite
His skin and tear his clothes.
No creature did he find to fight;
No beast before him rose.

He reached the bottom and a pool
In darkness all consumed.
He drank and bathed in the water cool,
Not seeing what behind him loomed.

For in the shadows was the beast,
The purpose of his quest,
Eregad, born to make life cease,
Came crawling from its nest.

Its claws so sharp, the stone they’d scrape.
Its wings held high above its back.
Its giant mouth was now agape.
It crouched for its attack.

The knight turned and swam ashore
And then he saw his foe.
Though shivers ran right to his core,
He gripped his mighty bow.

An arrow loosed he at the wight;
It struck with little harm.
And so he drew his sword to fight,
To wield with his great arm.

The creature’s skin was thick and tough,
But strong was Aronad,
He hacked and tore and thrust enough
To make the creature mad.

And so with Aronad on its back
It dove into the lake
To ease the strikes of his attack,
And then his life to take.

Now did he grasp the water’s depth,
For still they both descended.
But still a desperate hold he kept
Until the fall had ended.

But Aronad now had little air;
And now the Eregad
With mightier arms than any bear,
Reached back for Aronad.

It caught him, ripped him from his back,
And brought him o’er its head.
And to its pleasure, the human’s lack
Of air had left him dead.

Or so it thought for still he lived
And waited till the time was right,
When death to it the knight could give
And show it how his sword could bite.

So when its mouth, it opened wide,
To fill it with the dead;
He show it he had never died,
And, with his sword, his foe he fed.

The sword went deep into its brain.
The creature fell to depths below.
And as it fell it left a train
Of venomous blood to poison its foe.
  
Seeing the deadly bloody mist
He swam to higher ground.
As Eregad sunk into the abyss,
Sweet air the warrior found.

He warily took a look around.
He peered inside the nest.
Good meat in plenty there he found.
He filled his bags and left the rest.

With such provisions he left the cave
And mounted his great steed.
He’d given his foe a watery grave,
And few could boast of such a deed.

So homeward bound was the victorious knight
Who’d slain the Eregad.
And many far lands that heard of his fight
Gave honor to Aronad.




This poem, written by the minstrel David Barendor, was first recited in the courts of King Lafen. The day before its reciting, the capital of Blisteen had been assaulted by hordes of goblins during a well-planned invasion. The events of this attack inspired Barendor’s poem – specifically, the defense of the Élladden Bridge by a single warrior named Kender.

Holding the Bridge
                                               
Lo! He stands upon the bridge.
See his sword held high?
Lo! He dares them, “Come thou forth.
Feel my steel and die!”

Seeing him they saw a boy,
Young and far too bold.
Seeing him I saw a man
With strength and skill untold.

Arrows flew from goblin horde,
Two aimed at his chest.
Arrow in his shoulder lodged,
Other failed its quest.

So they charged into his wrath,
Feeling safe and sure.
So he swung and gave to them
Wounds no hand can cure.

Look! He holds the bridge for sure;
Goblins gain no ground.
Look! His men come to his aid.
Here their cries resound!

See this warrior, see this man –
Hero, young but great.
See this lad and learn from him;
His boldness imitate.



During a time of terror and dread—when goblin bands roamed freely through the land of Atóm—a rich variety of emotional poetry flourished. The works produced during this time include heartfelt cries for help, passionate marching songs, and terse narrative poems. Such works were common, reflecting the dread, anger, and determination of that time.



            A Man Will Come...

They say one day a man will come
And free us from the dreaded drum
That drives the orcs to bring their fire
And slay the helpless screaming crier.

They sack our towns and burn them down
Till only ashes can be found.
The ground is littered with the dead
Their prostrate bodies spewing red.

But rumor has it there’s a man
Who’ll fight for us as best he can
And free us from this thing we fear
That steals from us all we hold dear.

Come quickly! Slay them with your wrath—
These beasts that blaze a burning path.
And cause their marching drums to cease,
That we from bondage be released.




...To Save His Home

O’er many hills he rode by day,
Across the plains by night.
He fled not perils from behind,
For he was not in flight.

He rode to war, where fight he must
An orc marauding band
That pillaged, plundered all throughout
This warrior’s small homeland.

Oft he had been on errantry
In lands so far away.
But though it was his job at times,
It was no joy to slay.

But now he rode to face his foe,
To save his precious home.
And there he came by dawns first light,
To his homeland, Atóm.

This country help he gave before
It fell to orc attack.
So saved it was by this great man,
Karbéth of Torbenack.*


*Torbenack is a city in Atóm where Karbéth was born and raised.




The story you are about to read was first discovered by the Atrean people after the sacking of Key, a southern city in Taurath. The scroll containing this tale was found in the private library of Dairen Underly, believed to be the composer of this work. Although some historians doubt the story’s authenticity, most believe it took place in the Red Canyon, lying between Taurath’s southern mountains and the city of Key. Having been written in the common tongue, no translation was necessary; thus the following work is written in the poem’s original form.

                    Nightmare


Anfari stood outside a cave;
Inside he wished to find
A beast that frightened any mind,
The only of its kind.

He’d tracked the creature through the hills
With many comrades brave,
And they had chased it, close behind;
The beast no rest they gave.

They followed down a canyon’s side,
Marched on with hardened wills;
For motivation did they have:
Avenge the monster’s kills.

For it had slaughtered brutally
The many who had tried
To challenge it for praise and thrills;
Thus many men had died.


Its origins are hard to know,
For myth and history
Will intertwine and often hide
The truth we wish to see.

From eastern lands it came, most say,
Pursuing some doomed foe—
A warrior from the city Key
Who’d slain a man it’d known.

This man, the creature’s only friend,
Now slain and headless lay.
The beast sought out the warrior, though,
And chased him night and day.

So home this wanted warrior fled
For he could not defend
Himself or hold its wrath at bay;
Its rage would never end.

The creature caught him, slew him there
And watched the ground turn red;
But still its grief it could not mend,
Though foe, like friend, was dead.

I should describe the beast, Tamére
(Which means in Key Nightmare).
A lizard’s form but human head,
Gray body lacking hair.

Its skin, as tough as hippo hide,
Could almost turn a spear.
A sword its skin could barely tear,
Which gave its foes great fear.

It had a grim and chiseled face,
A mouth that opened wide,
And bright blue eyes that seemed to leer
From pools of depth inside.

It often crawled on hands and feet,
As when in hunt or chase;
But when it stood, hands at its side,
It looked down on man’s face.


Anfari stood outside the cave,
And there he took a seat.
They now were at the canyons base,
Red sandstone at their feet.

They’d seen the beast from canyon’s rim
Crawl quickly to the cave.
And they resolved in scorching heat
To make that place its grave.

Anfari looked inside the hole;
The darkness frightened him.
He did not fear the beast he’d meet,
But hated rooms too dim.

He faced his fears and stood to fight
For all the lives it stole.
He walked, as did the men with him,
Into the darkened hole.

The cavern’s ceiling, though not high,
Was quickly out of sight;
And soon the darkness swallowed whole
These men who loved the light.

Of several men I should now tell
Who’d bravely fight and try
To use their strength and prove their might—
Avenge their friends or die.

The first man’s name is Benjamin,
Who knew Anfari well.
He stood quite tall; on foot he’d fly
As if under a spell.

To these men Jarod—strong, red haired—
Was close and almost kin—
A man to whom a lion fell,
The youngest of the men.

Anfari, shortest of the three,
Was strong and well prepared
For their adventure in the den,
A mission few men dared.

One crucial warrior still remains:
A tall, proud knight from Key.
He knew a warrior it hadn’t spared,
And thus his errantry.

His armor was a shirt of mail;                                                 
Sir Rodger was his name.
The others in their company,
That with Anfari came,

Were from the towns around its lair;
They’d heard its victims wail,
And so with sober anger came,
Determined not to fail.

All named bore swords and some had spears
And leather did they wear.
A few held axes; some wore mail;
A torch did several bear.


These men walked down by dim torch light,
Suppressing all their fears.
They walked in silence and with care—
Each footstep hurt their ears.

While no one voiced their fear aloud
All men were tense and tight;
For in this cave was something queer
Which gave them cause for fright:

A darkness filled the cavern’s air—
A thick and evil shroud
That seemed to smother all the light,
A reeking, stifling cloud.

Of this Anfari had great fear
Inside the monster’s lair;
The lack of vision it endowed
Made torchlight seem so rare.

The hall gave way to open space—
The chamber of Tamére.
For from the darkness, there did stare
Two eyes that lurked quite near.

And as it leered a smile crept
Across its shadowed face.
Anticipating cries of fear
From helpless men it’d chase.

Anfari slowly took the lead,
A part few would accept.
These warriors clustered in that place—
To torches close they kept.

Anfari turned and saw each man,
Of hope they were in need.
But then he saw that while they’d crept
The beast had moved with speed

And slit the helpless rear man’s throat,
Whose blood now freely ran.
All stared in horror at this deed,
Stood still as humans can.

But then Anfari broke the spell
With one metallic note—
He’d drawn his sword; he had no plan,
But he would cut its throat.

He challenged it to show its face
Dashed off and gave a yell,
He would not rest until he smote
This monster—till it fell.

His courage gave the beast no fear,
Not in the beast’s own place.
The nearing warrior it saw well,
A smile on its face.

Sir Rodger, also Benjamin—
Behind Anfari here—
Ran with their friend; they sped their pace;
Sir Rodger bore a spear.

By chance Anfari neared the beast
In shadows of its den.
But he, approaching great Tamére,
Was passed by Benjamin.

This fleet foot raised his sword to strike
The just now vis’ble beast.
The sword struck once, again, again,
But suddenly it ceased.

The monster cast the man aside
And turned Sir Rodger’s pike.
Anfari saw this mighty beast,                     
Each claw a deadly spike.

It leapt for him and pinned his arms,
Claw marks on head and side;
And viciously, his throat to strike,
Its mouth it opened wide.

Sir Rodger swung his mighty blade
With two colossal arms;
The sword crashed down upon its hide
And caused the beast great harm.

The beast was hurt but hardly dead.
Anfari watched, afraid.
The beast moved quickly to disarm
Sir Rodger who it slayed:

It crushed his body, ripped his skin.
And left him lying dead.
Anfari tried to move but stayed
As pain rushed to his head.

So wounded, desperate, there he lay.
The beast prepared again
To strike Anfari b’low his head,
But there were other men.

For Jarod from behind then came
And aimed a blow to slay.
And also there came Benjamin;
Both hammered till its gray

Tough skin was torn and gushing red;
And still it fought, though maimed.
But Benjamin’s blows did not stray,
Both rapid and well-aimed.

While Jarod fought in front, behind
Ben struck below the head;
And Jarod quickly did the same
Till all was bathed in red.

It lay upon the rocky ground,
Where death seized body, mind.
So died the beast, with severed head—
That killer of mankind.

The other men, during the fight,
By panic had been bound.
They had not seen Anfari’s find
Nor had they heard a sound.

These men were later duly named
As cowards in the fight,
And no excuse that they e’er found,
Excused their panicked fright.

But hearing cries that it was dead,
They soon were with those named;
And they, recovered from their fright,
Were sheepish and ashamed.

With Jarod’s help Anfari rose,
Then saw Sir Rodger—dead—
And pools of blood from wounds well-aimed
Beneath his lifeless head.

But little rest did any have,
For strong men Jarod chose
To bear the bodies of the dead—
Their friend’s, and too, their foe’s.

So out they bore the dead with care,
A somber burial gave,
Deliv’ring both to death’s dark throws
Inside a rocky grave.*

And so the land was freed from fear
Of terrible Tamére.
The land these men had worked to save
Awoke from its nightmare.


*According to Keyan tradition, if two rivals engaged in mortal combat, the victor would bury his enemy as a gesture of final respect; here this tradition is extended to the fallen Tamere.